Thursday, January 22, 2009
Flash: Microsoft to Lay Off 5000 Vista Programmers

Obama to Shut Guantánamo Site and C.I.A. Prisons

President Obama is expected to sign orders that would transfer the inmates to Devil's Island. Poland offered the use of Auschwitz, but the offer was declined as having too many negative connotations.

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On Day One, Obama Sets a New Tone

President Obama ordered the White House background music changed from Country & Western to Elevator Upbeat, calling it "a clean break from business as usual."

Oath Is Administered Once Again

Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. re-administered the oath to President Obama after he stumbled over the words, "…the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God." The re-run was recommended by the Freudian Psychoanalytic Association whose spokeswoman, Gilda Hasenpfefferl, said the stumbled version left one with the Geschmack [contextual Viennese for "aroma"] that Presidents lie.

On Palestinian Question, Tough Choices for Obama

The new administration has to choose between slow genocide advocated by the UN Human Rights Commission and the accelerated version preferred by AIPAC.

Seattle PD Traffic Surveillance Camera
As the first of some 5000 Microsoft employees received their layoff notices, some were speeding south to Anaheim, California to beat the rush to apply for fast-track jobs as Mickey Mouse and Snow White costumed greeters.

New Employee Rule at the Times

Until further notice, all Times newsroom staff are required to report to work 15 minutes early in order to participate in daily training sessions. The purpose of the sessions is to facilitate the transfer of the reverence of the staff for former President Bush to President Obama.